Its your choice
by stendanandmcdeanforever
Summary: Bit of a crap name. Follows on from when Amy took the kids, but she leaves Ste a letter and he is to make a decision but what will it be? Brendan or the kids? Bit of a crap summary, but go on give it a read PLEASE. Rated M.
1. Chapter 1

Ok so this is my first 'M' fic so i have no clue if it is any good, i am actually in the middle of writing another fic but i got this idea and just had to write it before i forgot. Please let me know what you think! Thanks x.

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12th February 2013.

Amy was my best friend, I honestly don't know where I would be now if it wasn't for her, she stuck by me even when I was beating her black and blue, she was the one who helped me become a better person, she is the one who encouraged me to be proud of my sexuality and not hide it, she has helped me through so much, so why is it when I think of her now I feel hate and anger? How could she do this to me? How could she just waltz back into our lives after months of not being there to just take the kids and go? Yeah I understand that she is wary of Brendan, but he has changed just like I did, how could she not see it? Everyone could see it.

Every time I looked at Brendan I couldn't help but blame him for the reason my kids had gone, if he had changed earlier maybe things would have been different. I know he didn't mean for this to happen and I know that if he could he would change it but it still didn't stop me from blaming him, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. He tried to talk to me but I just kept cutting him off, after all his apologies are not going to bring my kids back, they are just words.  
I was sorting the house out, I was grabbing the kids things and shoving them into boxes partly because I had to send them onto Mike anyway also because I couldn't stand to look at them, every time I did I felt my throat tighten and my eyes prickled. Brendan just picked up his coat and said he was going to work.  
I was sorting through the cupboards when I found a letter labelled to me, I tore it open and skimmed it and then re-read it taking in every word,

_Ste, _

_I know you probably hate me right now and I completely understand why, but I took the kids because I think it's what is best for them. _

_I didn't take the kids because I think you are a bad farther because you are not, you was there for them when I wasn't, you are a fantastic dad and don't ever doubt that!  
I took the kids because of Brendan, not so much him, but his past. I can see how much he loves you and the kids, I really can, but who is to say he will never hurt you again? Maybe not with his fists but in other ways, the kids have grown attached to him and what if one day he wasn't there? What if his past crimes catch up with him and someone comes back for revenge, like Walker. Or what if he is arrested? Then what you will be on your own with two kids and a broken heart and I just can't risk that happening to our kids. _

_I know that we can work through this and come to some sort of agreement, I will never stop you from seeing the kids, but im sorry but I can't allow Brendan to see them, it is your choice to be with him, you know the risks, but the kids don't, the kid's lives could be at risk if someone decides to take revenge, surely you understand? But you are welcome to visit alone when you like, they are your kids as well. _

_There is another option, but it's your choice, come with us? We are moving to be in London, Dave got a promotion and it is closer to his family, there will be loads of work opportunities, you can stay with us for as long as you like, there is all the nightlife and you will make loads of great friends there, the gay scene is amazing! I know it will be a difficult decision, so we are going to be in Manchester for the rest of the week, we will be staying with dad.  
Your choice. _

_Love _

_Amy. X _

How could she make me choose between my pride and joy and the man I believed to be my soul mate?  
I was reading the letter for the fifth time when I heard the key in the door, I quickly shoved the letter into the bread bin, as much as I was in a mood with Brendan, even if a little part of me did blame him for this it didn't mean that he had to read a letter that would confirm it to him. I knew that if he read that letter he would pack his bags and go, he would walk away now if it meant me being able to see my kids again, but I didn't want him to go, I didn't want him to leave me.

I walked over to him and placed my lips to his, the passion, love and lust started to build up as I opened my lips granting him access, he pushed me into the bedroom and my knees hit the back of the bed causing them to buck, I fell with a small thump onto the bed, I looked up at Brendan, his eyes we glazed with lust as he looked down at me, he made me squirm as he stared at me taking in the sight. He pulled is shirt over the top of his head not even bothering with the buttons before chucking it across the room, he leant forward and placed his knees either side of my hips and returned his lips to mine. As we started to get lost in the moment I flipped us over so I was straddling him. I leaned forward and kissed him with a small smile playing on my lips as I unbuckled his jeans, and pulled them down along with his boxers, I stroked the length of his shaft once, before moving down and placing my lips around the head of his cock, I licked the top of it and slowly lowered my mouth down until my nose was nuzzled in his pubic hair, as I sucked him using my hand also as my jaw ached from the whole thing my trousers grew more uncomfortable, Brendan's groans making me harder if that was possible, I removed my lips and stood and pulled of my trousers and boxers letting out a little moan because of the relief, I went to carry on but Brendan grabbed hold of me and flung me onto the bed, he sucked and bit down my body until he reached my groin,

"Bren… please… oh…"

He looked up at me, and said

"Little impatient are we not Steven?"

He bent his head down and placed his mouth around my cock and took the whole of me in, I closed my eyes as I let the pleasure take over me, I was gripping onto the bed sheets

"Fuck Bren…i….im gunna…."

The second I spoke those words Brendan removed his mouth and I instantly felt cold, he moved back up to my lips and possessed my mouth before leaning over to our 'special drawer' and pulling out a condom and some lube. Brendan squirts the lube onto his fingers and slowly inserted one then two inside me, he slowly fucked me with his fingers, preparing me for his cock. I open my eyes cause I can feel Brendan staring at me; I look into his hooded eyes and silently beg him to fuck me. But Brendan is a tease,

"What is you want Steven?"

"Bren you know, please."

"Not until you tell me."

I was to desperate right now to even feel embarrassed as I said

"I want you to fuck me!"

"All you had to do was ask."

With that Brendan rolled the condom and lubed it up, and slowly nudged at my ready opening, he gently buried himself inside me, I squeezed my eyes shut with pleasure, but Brendan just stayed still, didn't move an inch.

"Bren…" I moaned his name to which he replied

"Steven, keep your eyes open."

I obeyed and forced my eyes open, and stared into his, and the he started rocking inside me, starting of a slow pace, but it started to build up and soon I was moving up the bed and he thrust inside me, I tried to speak, I wanted him deeper and faster but the words just came out all scrambled

"Faster… oh god…Bren…deeper."

Brendan sped up and was hitting his prostate with every thrust, I was screaming out his name not giving a damn if the neighbors heard because now everything was forgotten it was just me and Bren. I was about to cum and Brendan hadn't even touched me.

"Bren… im gunna…oh god…fuck!"

I cummed all over my stomach, and Brendan rode me through it as I the ecstasy ran through my body, Brendan moaned my name as he too cummed into the latex, he pulled himself out of me and removed the condom tying the top into a knot and chucking into the bin in the corner of the room. He pulled me up the bed and under the covers, neither of us said anything as we came down from our highs, we spooned in the bed not even bothering to clean up after ourselves. I slowly turned around and snuggled into Brendan's neck giving it a small kiss.  
We lied there a little longer Brendan's breathing became deeper and he fell asleep, but as much as I wanted it to sleep wouldn't take me, my brain would stop. I still had to make a decision Brendan or my kids?

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Please leave a review and let me know what you think.

If it is crap i wont bother continuing with it, so please let me know:D


	2. Chapter 2

This is the second chapter to 'Its Your Choice.' I decided on what was going to happen and thought i would write and upload it before i changed my mind, i now know where this story is heading too. Thanks for the reviews! It means a lot!

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I awoke to a sleeping Steven, his head tucked into the crook of my neck, the crow's-feet around his eye's nothing but a memory as his eyes were closed against the dim light of dawn creeping through the slight open curtains. His breathing steady and relaxed his body oblivious to the real world as his dreams possessed him. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be able to wake up to such a beautiful person even after everything we had been through.

My stomach growled at me, I looked over at the time to see it was four in the morning, then I remembered I hadn't eaten since yesterday lunch, I had come home planning on ordering a take-away for myself and Steven but I got a little distracted and ended up sleeping through to the next day. The growls got fiercer and I decided I couldn't ignore them anymore i slowly pulled myself away from Steven hoping I wouldn't wake him, he had the day off today so I didn't want to disturb him after all this is his first lay in for a while. I tiptoed out of the bedroom and into the kitchen; I flipped the switch on the kettle and decided I would go for the nice and simple cheese on toast. I reached over to the bread bin and pulled out the bread, but there was something caught to it, an envelope that read _Ste _it had already been opened and looked like it had been shoved in here to keep out of sight. My fingers hovered over the opening, it wasn't mine to open but why was it hidden in the bread bin? In the end my curiosity got the better of me and I pulled out the letter, my eyes darted across the page as I read the letter.  
I knew what I had to do, I couldn't let Steven choose between his kids and me, not just for his sake but for mine, I knew he would choose his kids, who wouldn't? The question was how was I going to do this?

My mind was fuzzy, the last details being chased away as I realised I was awake. It was a nice dream, me, Bren and the kids was having a picnic in an empty field, it was just us no one there to destroy the ever-growing happiness, but the details was fading fast as I thought about it. I sighed and cautiously opened one eye, the sunlight was shining through the curtains and straight onto my sleepy face, I pulled the covers over my head moaning trying remembering any part of the dream that had now left my mind completely. It was too late my brain was already awake and worrying about the letter Amy had left. That's when I realised that I was in bed alone, I pushed the covers back and climbed out of bed, I walked into the kitchen, it was just the same as I left it, I looked into the front room and Brendan was dozing on the sofa fully dressed with a bag packed next to him, what was he doing? I prodded him in the stomach and he shifted and slowly opened his eyes, he looked me up and down registering my presence.

"What is this?" I say gesturing to his bag.

"Oh, um, Eileen called she said that the boys had a week off and I could come visit, see if I can patch things up think she's starting to feel a bit guilty after Christmas and stuff ye know?"

"Oh yeah right." I tried not to show the sadness and disappointment on my face as I realised he would be leaving me for a week after everything.

"I was going go but it thought I would wait for you to wake up, ye know so I can say goodbye."

I stared into his eyes trying to work out what he was thinking but he had all his emotions hidden.

"Yeah ok, so when will you be back?"

"I'm not sure."

"Ok."

Brendan stood from his seat and looked into my eyes, as I stared back I got lost in his deep pools of blue, but there was something hidden in them, sadness maybe? He wouldn't look away from me and I refused to be the one to break eye contact, I don't think I would be able to even if I wanted to his, his expression was so intense, almost threatening and then before I had a chance to think about what to do he pulled me in by wrapping his hand around my neck and covered my lips with his own, his lips was soft yet rough, he was perfect, his tongue battled with mine winning dominance as I opened my mouth and allowed him to enter, his mouth was warm, I moaned a little into his mouth to which he replied with a low growl, just as things were about to kick up a notch he pulled away resting his forehead on mine, both our breaths shallow and heavy as we tried to catch our breath.

"I love you Steven."

"I love you too."

"I best be off."

My mind cleared, the little bubble we was in popped as I remembered his little trip to Ireland, I shouldn't moan about it really it was a chance for him to patch things up with his kids but I couldn't help but feel jealous that he would see them whilst I had to live without mine.  
Brendan leant forward and pecked me on the lips.

"Goodbye Steven."

"See ya."

I stood by and watched as he bent down and picked up his bag before sauntering towards the door. He opened it wide and turned back round to look at me, he did a small nod before turning round and walking away.  
I decided it would be no use moping around about the fact that he was gone for the week so I walked over to bread bin and pulled out the two slices, I noticed Amy's letter, I hesitated before reaching out and picking it up, but it was no longer labelled _Ste_ someone had altered it to say _Steven. _

My heart rate picked up, it was pounding so hard I thought it was going to break through my ribcage, I tried to control my shaking hands as I turned the envelope around. I frantically ribbed the letter from the wrapping and opened it up, my eyes darted across the page not taking in a single word. I looked away from it and took two deep breaths to calm myself before I read,

_Dear Steven, _

_Walking away from you is going to be the hardest thing I am ever going to have to do, but I am doing it for the right reasons. I found the letter from Amy and I couldn't help but read it. I know that you will always choose your kids over me and I completely understand that, but I didn't want you to be the one to make the decision, that isn't fair on you so I walked away, that was there is no choice. I am not walking away because I don't love you; in fact it's the complete opposite.  
I want you to to know that I love you unconditionally, I think that I may have felt something for you when we first kissed in my flat, don't know If you worked it out but I had sort of hoped that would happen. You have changed me, you have made me a better person, you made me than man I am today, and you are the one who made me strong enough to walk away. You kept coming back to me after everything I had done, you came back to me even after I declared my love to you and then chucked it back in your face, you have even stood by me these recent days, you didn't chuck me out the minute you read that letter you stayed with me and for that I will always love you. You have changed my life and I don't think I will ever be able to go back to what I was because you helped me see that love is possible. I know no matter how many times I say sorry you will never fully forgive me for the times I hurt you, if I could I would turn back time and change everything but I can't, trust me I am so sorry  
I want you to go get your kids back and be happy. I want you to open a business in London become some famous chef like Jamie Oliver or as you would prefer Nigella. I want you to be able to look at our relationship and smile and not be sad. I know you love me Steven if you didn't you wouldn't have put up with me, but you will always love your kids more.  
Maybe you will get to London and meet someone new someone with a clean past and is perfect, someone who can take care of you the ways I couldn't someone who can give you can feel safe and secure with.  
I hope you will never forget me completely, I will never forget you as you have the key to my heart. Tell the kids I am sorry for leaving them yeah? Tell them Daddy Brendan loves them lots and that I won't forget them either? You are the most luckiest person I have met you have two amazing kids and a best friend who would put her life on the line just for you, try not to ruin that, I know what your like;).  
I know it will make this harder if we stay in contact so this is the last you will hear of me. I love you forever and always Steven Hay and don't __**ever**__ forget that! Maybe in our next life we can meet again, start afresh? _

_I love you. _

_B x_

I felt my knees buck from underneath me, I fell to the ground shaking uncontrollably, my breathing sped up and was coming out short shallow breaths I tried to control it but it seemed impossible, tears streamed down my face harder than the British showers. It felt as if I was having a heart attack the more I tried to pull myself together the worse I felt in the end I gave up and sat for what felt like hours grieving for the man I loved.

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What did you think? Reviews? x


	3. Chapter 3

So this is a short chapter but the next one needs to be its own chapter. Sorry about such a late update, i had a bet with my mum i could go a week without internet and i won, so that is one of the reasons! Thanks for any reviews they really mean a lot!

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I stayed there on the kitchen floor for a couple more minutes before taking in a deep breath and slowly pushed myself from the floor, my limbs felt heavy. I was still only dressed in my boxers and I could feel the chill of the empty house. I walked into my room and pulled on a pair of tracksuit bottoms I then dragged myself to the drawers that once was the home to both mine and Brendan's tops and pulled it open, as I did I felt a fresh load of tears form but I held them back, I knew his stuff would be gone the same as him but seeing the left side of the drawer empty was confirming it made and it worse, I noticed there was a red shirt on his side still, I picked it up and unfolded it, it was _that_ top, the one he was wearing when we first kissed, properly. I pulled it into my face and breathed in his scent that still lingered on it, I felt the tears escape and I fell to the bedroom floor sobbing once again.

Since moving into this council flat all them years ago with Amy I always said I hated it, and now as I looked around it for the final time I found myself thinking I am going of am the memories that had occurred under this roof, this is the place I became a better person, this is the place Leah and Lucas grew up, this is the place I first slept with Brendan, this was my home, in a way I was going to miss it cause even though I complained about it I still loved it. I bent down and picked up my bags and walked over to the door, I looked over the house again before pulling open the door and exiting for the last time.  
The taxi was there and waiting for me so I got in and directed him to Manchester. I leant back in my seat and looked out of the window as left Hollyoaks, as I left my home, my friends.

I lied to Steven, told him I was going to see my kids well technically that wasn't I lie I would try and see them but not just yet, right now all I want to do is drink so much that I can't remember anything, block out all the memories that ever contained Steven good or bad, I didn't want to think about him because when I did it made my heart ache the way it never has before. So after arriving in Dublin I stopped of a some bar and bought a bottle of Irish Whisky and the drove to a hotel, well _the _hotel the one that me and Steven stayed in after 'reuniting' on the bridge, the one that me and Steven christened, it wasn't exactly a good idea but I couldn't stop myself.

I dropped my bags on the floor, pulled of my coat and chucked it on the bed then walked straight over to the radio and switched it on, I couldn't sit in silence I would think too much. I over to the little cupboard that help two cups and reached for one, I poured myself a generous amount of Whisky before setting it down on the bedside unit, I propped up the pillows and leant against them sipping at the drink.  
About half a bottle had gone when my ears pricked up, a song came on one that I recognised.

_I kissed a girl and I liked it the taste of her cherry chap stick,  
I kissed a girl just to try it I hope her boyfriend don't mind it… _

The memories hit me like a truck,

_Leah and Lucas was decorating the cake we had just made, and somehow she managed to talk me into singing it, repeatedly. Then after what was like the twentieth time she asked me to sing it again, and how can you say no to such a beautiful little girl? So I sang it again, Leah joining in of course, and the Steven walked it asked if I was singing "Katy Perreh" in his accent it just rolled of his tongue. Then after having dinner I read the 'The Three Little Pigs' to them and after taking them to bed me and Steven-_

I stopped there, I couldn't allow myself to think of what myself and Steven got up to that night It would break me. I didn't think it was ever possible for me to love someone but words can't describe how much Steven means to me.  
I reached for my wallet and pulled out the picture of Steven and the kids, I took it before leaving because I couldn't go with nothing, so I sat and stared at the picture taking in every inch until I passed out on the bed. Steven still possessing my mind.

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Sorry a bit of a short chapter, i am going to write the next one now so it should be up tomorrow. Thanks so much for the reviews!


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